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In the dynamic between Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, he holds the powerbase because he couldn’t fall back on or default to a woman unless she was allowing him to, or he had managed the situation through both obvious and subtle means to get the relationship to operate on his terms.
In a healthy relationship that involves two people with each other’s best interests at heart with both of their feet in the relationship, no-one has more power over the other.
If you have little or no boundaries in relationships, the other person will hold the powerbase because you basically are giving them carte blanche to do whatever the hell they like without fear of consequences.
If you love someone unconditionally who not only is unworthy of it but loves you conditionally, you give them the powerbase.
If you become someone who talks a good game but doesn’t back up with actions (empty threats, ultimatums, defining the relationship talks that never go anywhere), you do not hold the powerbase because you repeatedly send a signal to them that no matter what you say, you’ll be there yabbering on letting them do exactly what they want to do.
They almost end up being in awe of their relationship partners and in having so little self-esteem and wanting to be the ideal person for them without actually questioning whether that person is even the ideal person for them, they immediately take an almost submissive role in the relationship.
Even if this doesn’t happen from the outset, the powerbase can end up being established either in the first and subsequent acceptances of bad behaviour or when there is conflict.
A classic example of this is when the ‘powerful person’ cuts off and disappears and they are welcomed back with little or no question, or even if there is an argument, a signal is sent that they can get away with it.
Likewise when the ‘powerful person’ ends the relationship, usually suddenly, and often for a ridiculous reason, and they turn the tables and have the other party practically jumping through hoops to get back with them, this also firmly establishes the powerbase.
In recent weeks, I’ve been speaking to several people who feel ‘powerless’ and ‘helpless’ in their relationships.
In some instances, it was only after the relationship had ended that they recognised that there was a severe imbalance in the relationship that caused the other party to effectively hold position of power, or ‘the powerbase’.