I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. Then I come one lasta time." "You dirty, foul mouthed PIGS, in this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public! " L2umj M/THRF8lms CGI/AAAAAAAAAMs/4M8irm Jr BMY/s1600/ not touch anything unnecessarily. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. " The man askes, "I'm a justa tellin' my friends how to spell Mississippi! Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. An uppity, elderly English woman decided to eaves drop on them. " Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs! Said to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941. Henderson placed himself in command and, taking virtually the entire available strength of the Corps, left for the extended campaign after tacking a terse message on his office door which read: "Have gone to Florida to fight Indians. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.

One day, little Timmy went on a school trip with his classmates to the Metropolitan Museum of Arts in N. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from." St. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."On a packed bus, two Nigerian men with heavy accents were having a conversation. -To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time! "The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis." - from a post-war debriefing of a German General Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide? The Fifth Commandant of the Marine Corps offered the services of a regiment of Marines for duty with the Army. -Italian proverb Rules of dating a Drill Instructors daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

At the museum he saw a lot of interesting sights and rare works of arts, when he got to the mummy exhibition, a question suddenly popped into his head. Splooginhand, do you think it was very expensive for the ancient Egyptians to mummify themselves? Splooginhand: Why, yes little Timmy, I would assume it did indeed cost a lot of money! I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. - From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook "The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons." -Russian military doctrine. At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side! Commandant" The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.